For over 40 years, I struggled with low self-confidence, self-acceptance, and intense shame because of my cleft lip and palate.
I was lost, full of self-loathing and felt worthless and lonely. I believed had no purpose in life.
I married someone I didn't love (and who abused me) because it was the only way to feel loved and I thought nobody else would want me.
I was terrified of rejection and did anything to be accepted, even compromising my own happiness!
I didn't know how to manage my emotions so I had ugly crying sessions at school, work and in public, and that left me feeling worse about myself.
I felt like everyone was always staring at my face or making jokes about my appearance.
I hated myself and my life so much, I tried to end it...
I went from denying my cleft lip and palate to embracing my appearance, and you can too!
For 47 years, I denied having a cleft lip and refused to talk about it with anyone!
I felt defective and broken, despite my mother telling me I was normal, just like the other children.
I was called names like "monkey face" and "Quasimodo" and even overheard one mother say to parent: “I'm glad she’s not my daughter, I would have left her at the hospital.” It wasn't long until I believed the names I was called and really thought I looked like a monster.
After more than 20 surgeries and endless bullying from children, teachers and adults, I had emotional and mental scars deeper than the ones from my cleft lip and palate.
I felt like I never fit in, especially since other people would stare at the scars on my lip and struggled to understand me when I spoke. I was turned away from jobs because of my speech and appearance. Being bullied and rejected destroyed my confidence and self-esteem. I believed I was never good enough.
But, I learned that if I put on a brave face and pretend I didn’t have a cleft lip I could hide the emotional pain and go through life as if my lip was normal, like everyone else.
That is when I decided to deny having a cleft lip and palate and refused to talk about it with ANYONE!
Denying my cleft lip and palate gave me a sense of comfort. It was an escape from the painful awareness of my facial difference.
Denial is Not a River in Egypt!
It wasn't long until I realized you can't deny what you see in the mirror. Every time I saw my reflection, the reality of my appearance would come crashing down and the self-loathing and shame grew bigger and bigger.
To cope, I doubled down on my denial. I shoved away feelings of inadequacy and compensated by trying to be the best at everything I did.
I wore an invisible mask, appearing happy, joyful, well-adjusted, and normal. I believed that if I was a "good girl" and excelled at what I do, I would be liked and accepted and that would help me feel better about myself.
My path from feeling ashamed of my cleft to where I am today was DIFFICULT - But your journey can be easy!
As I got older, and continued to deny my cleft, life became more challenging. The constant battle to suppress my emotions and deny my appearance destroyed my sense of self and hid my true identity. I lived in constant fear of rejection, so I did whatever was asked of me.
I became a people pleaser, compromising my own happiness just to be accepted. I hid my true feelings to avoid judgement, and the risk of further isolation. Little did I know putting up emotional walls isolated me from the acceptance and support I so desperately craved!
As my friends and coworkers created friendships and memories, I stayed hidden, never revealing my true self. I became the supportive friend, the one everyone leaned on and went to with their problems, but always on the outskirts of the action. Fearing judgement and rejection, I refused to trust anyone with my problems.
I had no boundaries and didn’t know how to interact with other people. I hated social events because of my social anxiety and fear of rejection and bullying. Yet, I socialized anyway in the hopes that I would finally be accepted. When that never happened, I felt rejected and ashamed, yet again.
As the loneliness and isolation grew, so did my self-doubt. Convinced I would be alone forever, I dated anyone who showed interest in me, even if the feelings weren't mutual. When I finally met a man who wanted to marry me, I felt like I had no choice but to accept, despite the fact that I didn't love him.
I became the perfect wife, and did whatever he wanted, compromising who I was just to feel loved and accepted. Even after the abuse started, I stayed married to him for more than 10 years. I truly believed that if I left, I would never meet anyone else who wanted to be with me.
I Didn't Know Who I Was...
I was lost and didn’t know what my goals and dreams were. I turned to drugs, alcohol, and self-harm to cope with my misery. When that didn’t work, I tried to prove that I was good enough by earning my PhD.
A motorcycle accident was the lowest point in my life since I broke my wrist during the accident and needed MORE surgeries! I was in an abusive marriage, and struggling through my PhD program. I had no money, no health insurance, and was afraid of what my husband would say. Feeling hopeless and worthless, I tried to take my own life.
"I can help you overcome your challenges and support you on your journey of building self-confidence, self-esteem and self-acceptance."
Finding support in the cleft community was what helped me - now I can support YOU!
I started going to therapy and found the strength to get a divorce, moved to a new city, and began learning who I was without the need for constant validation and acceptance.
When my mother passed away in 2017, I was alone and longed for connection. My mother was the only person who knew what I went through since she was with me for all my surgeries.
I desperately wanted and needed someone to talk to who knew what it was like having a cleft lip and palate and who could help me build my self-confidence and self-acceptance.
One day while surfing Facebook, I found a group for adults with a cleft lip and palate. I joined the group and began connecting with other adults who understood the challenges I was facing.
Talking about my cleft lip and palate helped me heal, and it can help YOU heal too!
Sharing my experiences about my cleft lip and palate with other adults who could relate was the first step to overcoming my shame and developing the social skills I needed to begin building my confidence.
With more than 10 years of therapy, self-reflection and the support of the cleft lip and palate group, I learned to embrace my true self. I began to understand that accepting my cleft lip and palate was a powerful act of self-love and resilience, and who I was.
By embracing my uniqueness, and leaning on my past experiences, I learned how to set boundaries, and face my fears of socializing. Little by little, my confidence, self-worth and self-esteem began to improve.
I learned the value of self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth and that I was capable of overcoming my challenges to find joy and happiness.
Opening up to the world about my journey helped me continue to heal embrace my true self.
Denying my cleft lip and palate was a painful realization of the tremendous toll denial has on someone, but it also led me to become an advocate for the cleft lip and palate community. Today, I volunteer with Smile Train, and give motivational talks about resiliency, overcoming adversity, and building self confidence. I even shared my experiences growing up with a cleft lip and palate in my TEDx Talk.
Drawing on my journey of denial and my life experiences, I decided to become a certified life coach so I can help you build your self-confidence, improve your self-worth, and support you while overcoming the challenges of living with a cleft lip and palate.
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